To The Light Again
by FlemilyRemily
Summary: Take a break from all I know   Just sit back and let it flow.   Then I find I've broken through.   To the light again.   BANGEL. RATED FOR LANGUAGE.


**A/N: I don't own Angel. Much to my daily disappointment. Joss Whedon is his amazing creator. Also, the lyrics are from the song 'To the Light' by the lovely Newton Faulkner. I thought they were quirky and yet appropriate.**

**I would j'adore some reviews... if I say I might turn this into a multi-chap would you be inclined?**

...

_I'm taking a break because I'm losing it again _

_And I wanna relate without you thinking I'm insane. _

_Oh, it's the same another train. Just sitting around with record in my brain. _

_You could have everything you wanted _

_But you would still be wanting more. _

_Cos the sun is always in your eyes._

_You search for stillness on a rock. Thats spinning round and round and you're surprised. _

_Take a break from all I know _

_Just sit back and let it flow. _

_Then I find I've broken through. _

_To the light again. _

_..._

He thinks maybe he should be angry that she didn't tell him as soon as she found out.

He knows she would have been furious had it been the other way round. Probably would have ripped his -hypothetically- beating heart out of his warm, fleshy-not-stone chest and stomped on it with her dainty little feet that never managed to look threatening to him no matter how thick, leather bound and "bad-ass" the boots she chose were. She may even have invited light bulb head around for a laugh at the bleeding corpse of her vampire-turned-human ex that had not seen fit to tell her of his reward for saving the world (again).

He muses how it's kind of ironic that it's the opposite that has, in fact, come to transpire. How for once he's not the one keeping everything from her. Telling himself she doesn't care anymore when even he can see through the cracks in that falsehood. You see, It doesn't quite fit together in his head. The thought of her hiding something this monumental and life changing from him undoubtedly brings that small crease that Cordy had called his "Confused Caveman Dent" forth between his heavy brows. The ideas of Buffy and Deceit only fit together in his very adept vampire brain when he's the one deceiving her. Whether it's failing to mention that oh so tiny detail that he managed to knock up that ex-vampire-girlfriend of his that she saw him turn to dust, or the fact that he's technically a Daddy - or, y'know - that little thing where the world was ending in L.A. and he didn't see fit to call in his slayer connections to give himself a hand. Each time he thought about all the secrets he (thought) he'd kept from her the thing that always stopped him from storming over to wherever-the-hell she was residing that that moment in time (he always knew) was that evil little seed of a lie that She. Didn't. Care.

He supposes it's funny that somewhere along the line of the hundred unreturned "Hey - Uh - It's… you know who it is Angel. Please, just let me know if…Knowing you're not a pile of dust blowing in the wind would kinda ease the…BEEP" messages, she finally brought to life the lie he's been comforting himself with. Not that it became true - because everyone in the world except the two sould it involved seemed to know that Buffy would never stop caring about the vampire with a soul and vice versa. She simply stopped contradicting the truth-lie. It made his job of believing himself much easier anyway, and therefore made keeping her as far away from his fucked up life as possible that tiny bit less… soul destroying.

He wonders if maybe she'll say he has "no right" to be angry . Just like he had "no right" to be angry when she started dating that child soldier. Just like he had "no right" to … what were her words now? "lurk around and try and protect" her and then "not even have the decency to let her know he was there". And, of course, that time he had "no right" to judge what she was doing with Captain Peroxide when he was the one there offering to help her save the world and she was the one who'd gone and leapt in the sack with his stupid douche bag of an arch enemy. But who was counting the times he had "no right"? He certainly wasn't.

He does however, think she should have at least mentioned that the sunshine around his dark corners wouldn't be imploding from old age and natural causes any time soon. Or, you know, ever. He's maybe a little confused by how it's Willow in all her innocent sweetness who breaks the news of how that tiny little (huge) spell she did back in the day when Dawnie was still a teenager and Tara was still alive and Xander was marrying an ex-demon has had a more permanent effect than anyone had ever anticipated.

He speculates briefly if it's some kind of sick joke from the PTB. "No Angel, we're not turning you human so you can live the life of your dreams with your personal bundle of sunshine - instead we're ripping the last shred of humanity that she's still clawing onto away so she'll be sick and bitter and twisted as you! You'll be such a perfect pair. Have fun brooding for all eternity!" and then mentally stakes himself for being so immensely self centred. She's not exactly getting a reward here. He physically shies away when he thinks about what this will mean for her. What she'll have to see end. Who she'll have to see die. He knows first hand what it's like to know your going to out-live the things you love most in this world. For the past 20 years he's been trying to brace himself for her (third and final) inevitable demise. It hadn't been going so well. He thinks of her poor, human heart breaking into so many pieces as she watches Xander go. As she feels Willow breath her last, gentlest of breaths. As Dawn - He recoils from the thought. It doesn't bear thinking about.

He's stood beside her door less than 24 hours after receiving the news and it's only while ringing the doorbell with his suddenly clumsy hands and wearing the most un-attractive of sheepish expressions that he realises he has no idea what to say to her, how to talk to her. He doesn't even know if she's the same person he met back when another apocalypse was waiting to happen. It feels like this - them - always comes around to one standing at the others door with a hurt expression and a murmured name and not a clue how the other is going to react.

He thinks maybe he has no right to be here.

Its only when she slams open the door and stands staring at him with a mixture of confusion, surprise, hurt and unmistakeable relief that he realises done caring what his right is, and instead he's going to give her what she had the right to all along.

_..._

_I want to know lord why it's got to be so hard._

_I feel like a muppet with a drunken puppeteer but I'll survive._

_I will survive._

_Take a break from all I know_

_Just sit back and let it flow._

_Then I find I've broken through._

_To the light again._

_..._

_To the light again._


End file.
